Content warning here: this post will delve into topics around consensual pain and sadomasochism. It will very likely touch on many different forms of masochism, and may deal with some things that get quite close to self-harm topics. Please be mindful as you read.
My last post about Submission delved into a fundamental piece of my relation to Kink and what I need out of it. Note that I said “a” fundamental piece. This is because there’s more than one. Today, I’m going to delve into another. This one is going to require examination of things on a much more tactile level, and then connecting that to the mental and emotional effects, rather than the other way around. It is far more sensory than cerebral. And it will get a little bit messy. Let’s talk about Pain.
Pain and masochism are very common topics people think about when Kink comes up. I want to stress that this doesn’t mean *any* pain, but specific circumstances and situations. Now, that idea of the sub restrained and being whipped, or spanked, or flogged by the Dom is something of a common stereotype. What these stereotypes often miss is what, exactly, motivates these scenes, not to mention all the other ways this particular interaction can manifest. In a Kink sense, sadism and masochism are, when practiced properly, entirely consensual and mutually beneficial. This may seem odd, how could one person inflicting pain on another be anything other than torture? The answer is that we are all wired differently. The whipping, or the spanking, or the flogging are not punishment, at least not in the traditional sense. They are not a case of the sadist inflicting their desires on an unwilling victim. There is a release, a surrender, in masochism that breaks down barriers and allows the masochist to stop holding up defenses. I won’t speak much to the sadism side, as that is not really my role. I bite sometimes, but it’s not really a consistent aspect of what drives me in Kink spaces. I am, however, heavily masochistic. So let’s dive into some of those things, and why I desire them.
The simplest topic to explore here is impact play. I’ve been engaging in this one the longest, so I know it the best. This is usually something I do after being restrained, as it’s helpful for me to be able to have something to get resistance from, something to struggle against, as an additional tactile sense. There’s typically several different toys that my Dom will cycle between during a session. Bare hands, crops, paddles(never wooden, due to a trauma response I can’t do wooden paddles), floggers, and tawses all make regular appearances. My favorites are universally floggers. In all cases, when one of these hits my skin, it contributes to shifting my focus from whatever whirlwind of thoughts have been flying through my head for an uncountable amount of time, and into the sensation, into the nerves firing, into the moment where my body is telling me something is happening *right now*. Floggers in particular push on that process, the multiple impacts occupying my brain more fully with each hit, the capacity to string together several hits in a row meaning my senses of control and of maintaining constant detailed awareness rescind, allowing my mind to give up that need to have those and become a recipient of reality rather than an insistent observer of it.
I started out probably about 3 years ago believing I was not into pain, that it was something I avoided at all costs. Through exploration with T, this began eroding, and evolving. I discovered the sparks, the beginnings, of the things I have described to this point. And for a while it hit an equilibrium point where we were pretty stable in what toys we used and where on the masochism scale I was. This was not to be, as it turned out, the summit, but merely a plateau in the climb. From here, we’re going to start delving into some heavier levels of masochism.
Among most any kind of impact toy, there’s a wide variety to what you can get. Different materials will deliver differing levels of intensity, differing levels of pain or focus thereof. We’ve usually used soft rubber, or leather for our toys. Even within that, however, there’s a lot of room for differences. Relatively recently, say within the last 6 or 7 months, we have finally sprung for more toys, both higher quality and also more variants. We have some soft leather floggers, but also a pair of harder leather, with the ends knotted into balls. There is one of the softer ones that is a fairly run of the mill flogger, but the other has a higher-than-usual strand count. These differences bring wildly varied sensation. The higher strand count increases the overall impact of the flogger, so it feels like a more solid impact spread across the entire toy. The pair with the knotted leather on the end…well, it feels like seven or eight pellet crashing into you, all at once. The sensation radiates from each one, creating tremors and intersecting shocks. There’s one more, however, that I haven’t talked about. We have one made out of metal. This one get’s used sparingly, and we are still exploring the best ways to maneuver around it, because there is definitely some very real possibility for damage with it. But nonetheless, I love the sensation of it. It’s a bite, each strand unyielding as it makes contact with my skin. That sensation shoots out from each point of impact, webbing through nerves and creating flashes that blot out anything else happening. The residual sting throbs along those pathways, providing a lingering reminder for some time that I have asked for and willingly submitted to this exquisite torment, and that I can withstand it and just be. The ways in which this allows my mind to relinquish the illusion of control and the uncertainties and apprehensions that come with that are indescribable and invaluable.
While impact play is by far where I have the most experience, it is not the only way masochism manifests for me. There are a few other avenues which I either have only done sparingly, or which I have not yet started to explore. These are arguably the darkest, for lack of a better term, of my desires. So, if you are reading past this point, strap in.
One of the topics in Kink that I heavily identify with is referred to as Primal play. This usually revolves around pretty animalistic concepts, the idea of a hunter and prey, sometimes also things like growling, hissing, things along those lines. For me, while there is an aspect that plays into my identification as a dragon, the core of it is that idea of being prey, of feeling hunted. As far as the physical interactions, this includes things like biting and scratching to fairly extreme levels. On occasion, when I am in a certain headspace and my masochism is in a certain place, this includes going so far as to make me bleed. I *want* my Dom to make me bleed, to dig into me until my skin breaks and I can feel it. There’s this raw need in it, this intense desire to feel that animalistic, unbridled aggression from my Dom as they tear at my body. To submit to that aggression, and sublimate my mind to it. I am no longer my own, to my very core.
It is hard to fully translate that sense, that feeling, into words, given just how basic the instinct is, how deeply it resides away from fully rational thought. I’ve only gotten to that point a few times, and it takes a lot of care and conscientious work after the fact to ensure everything is safe and wounds are properly dressed and disinfected. But the sense of it, the way it stimulates that deep part of my mind, is worth every second, and every burning moment of the cleaning. There’s still one more way yet, however, in which my masochism manifests, at least mentally. I have not yet actually explored this one in reality yet.
Knife play is a tricky subject. It is something of a scary idea, allowing someone to use a knife and make cuts in your skin. This is something we try very hard to avoid in the vast majority of our lives. So, what could *possibly* motivate someone to do so willingly, fully conscious, as a means of masochism and submission? That is a question I have been exploring within myself for a few months now. And really there’s a few answers. For one, it takes that idea of release through sensation to an extreme. Feeling the blade separate your skin is a moment you cannot ignore, your mind cannot hold to other concerns. You are present, and that is all you are. For another, It takes some of that sense around Primal play, and it brings it into sharper, more cerebral focus. Relinquishing the coherence of my body into my Dom’s hands, trusting them that they will both carry me through the experience and simultaneously provide this sensation, this release, this literal bloodletting that allows the darkest parts of me to flow out…that takes everything I get out of masochism and submission and drives it as far down the rabbit hole as it can go. I don’t need to hold anything in, I don’t need to pretend, I am ceding everything I have to give and letting the sensation carry out with it my darkest demons.
All levels of masochism require intense trust, pre-existing communication, and an understanding from both the sadist and the masochist of what they are doing and the things they are engaging in. It is vital to trust the person opposite you, either to be conscious of how much they are inflicting upon you, or to be able to tell you when they can go no further. When these aspects are in place, however, and I align with a sadist, with a Dom, I become open. I become free. *That* is why Pain is so important to me. It is a euphoria masked as an ailment. It is a vessel for release and reshaping. And it will forever be an integral part of my life.
Draconic Evolution 